HEART & HOME

TAMING TANTRUMS

By Julie Hahn

It happened in a supermarket.

Actually it happened all over the place. I can't remember what triggered it, but before I knew it the arms would be flailing, the legs would be kicking and the high-pitched screams would ring out to all corners of the neighbourhood.

At one time or other, each of my kids has thrown a tantrum - as has their father, and dare I admit it, their mother (embarrassingly, not very long ago).

Tantrums are distressing. It's never a great deal of fun to watch your darling child kicking and screaming. But possibly worse than their behaviour are our feelings of inadequacy as we struggle with contradicting messages inside our heads: 'Stay calm!', 'What that child needs is a good smack!', 'What type of child would do that?', 'What kind of a parent would let their child ... ?' If you have ever had a child throw a tantrum (or thrown one yourself), you'll relate to most of these thoughts.

It seems that everybody else is the expert when your child is in the middle of a tantrum, and the bigger score the tantrum registers on the Richter scale, the more the expert opinions erupt. I think the most memorable, useless piece of tantrum advice I ever received was expressed in a radio interview. The 'expert' was a professor in child psychology. His solution went something like this: 'If you are shopping in the supermarket and your child begins to throw a tantrum because you won't buy her sweeties, simply pack up your child, leave the trolley where it is and go home straightaway. The child will learn that tantrums won't be rewarded.'

I felt like phoning on the spot and yelling at him, 'How about a dose of real life? Nobody voluntarily takes a child grocery shopping. If you go home when your child throws a tantrum, not only does the child miss out on sweeties, but you have to venture out on another expedition or the whole family does not eat. Thanks, but NO THANKS!'

Many tantrums later, and having read many, many books, listened to the wise words of respected mentors and tried various methods on our kids and any other children within my care, I have learnt that tantrums can be managed, or at least drop in seismic activity with the application of a little objective knowledge.

ParentsInc in New Zealand identifies two different types of tantrums: panic tantrums and control tantrums.

Panic tantrums

Panic tantrums say, 'I'm scared. I'm not sure what's going on and I don't know what to do about it.' You'll see them on first days at school, entering into new territory, going back to some place where your child has had a negative experience. They can also been seen when the child is repeating the same thing they are normally okay with, but are now entering while being tired, sick or having had a disrupted routine - or they simply woke up on the wrong side of bed.

For panic tantrums, a big, reassuring hug from somebody who is bigger, stronger, wiser and kind is probably the most effective way to restore order. If it is a panic tantrum, the child will (eventually) melt and respond to cuddles, reassuring words, distraction, explanations of what is going on and what to expect. Don't forget to ask, 'Are you feeling sad?' They'll let you know if you've got it wrong if you give them the freedom to tell you. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know that sometimes life is a bit scary. Reassure them that there will always be somebody around who is bigger, stronger, wiser and kind.

In our home, our kids learned a song, 'When I am afraid, I will trust in You ... in God whose words I pray'. Giving reassurance and taking the time to acknowledge feelings might take longer than you'd planned, but it builds resilience - giving them tools to figure out what they're feeling and calming themselves as they get bigger. I secretly wonder if panic attacks in adults are a result of being scared and not being given the freedom or vocabulary to express fear when we were children.

To avoid future panic attacks, give clear explanations of what to expect in new situations, wherever possible. Rehearse with your children what will happen, or tell them a story using their dolls or characters to help them understand new concepts such as Mum or Dad flying away and then coming home again. Be honest with them. Encourage them to ask questions. Let them ask 'why?', but encourage them to be part of the solution. For example, ask them, 'What do you think you could do?'

Control tantrums say, 'I'm not sure who is in control here, but I'm not content with this situation'.

Bonnie Harris, author of When your kids push your buttons: and what you can do about it wrote, 'Children don't feel very good when they know they have more power than their parents. When they fear their parents are not in control, they think they have to take control. It's actually a very scary place for most children to be.'

Control tantrums

Control tantrums can be diagnosed by giving a big, reassuring hug. If the child does not 'melt' but gets more and more aggravated, it is most likely a control tantrum. These are the more difficult tantrums for parents because we have to be the ones to remember that 'we are the adult' and look at the situation objectively.

I'm not going to prescribe what to do in the middle of a tantrum because that will depend on your relationship with the child and the context of the tantrum. But it's worth recognising that control tantrums are unlikely to continue if there is no audience, they don't achieve their objective and there is nobody to fight with.

If control tantrums are an issue in your family, don't leave it until the next tantrum before you deal with it. Get in at the first opportunity to work out the boundaries in your family. Have a relaxed family meeting or a date with your child and work out the rules together. For example, 'You can be angry but you must not hurt anybody, you must not hurt things. You must talk about it when you're feeling calm'. Let them know that, 'In our family, we only listen when we hear a pleasant voice'.

Then, when the next tantrum is about to erupt, you've already rehearsed your calm response. You may not stop the tantrum, but you won't be adding fuel to the fire.

Tantrums can be distressing, but the less we take them personally or reward them with attention, and the more we behave as the loving, bigger, stronger, wiser and kind adults, the more likely tantrums will be replaced with more appropriate ways to communicate.

Julie Hahn is wife to Chris and mum to three teenagers and one tweenager. She works as a family relationships educator/encourager.

You can read the rest of this story in the July issue. Check availability.

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