by Valerie Volk

In September 1969 the first episode of The Brady Bunch hit American and Australian living rooms. Television had found a new, rich field to explore. Architect Mike marries Carol, and her three daughters and his three sons form the quintessential blended family and give the world a new term for this form of family amalgamations — a Brady Bunch.

And what a sugar-coated world it was. By the end of each half-hour episode all problems had been ironed out, usually with the help of the unflappable down-to-earth Alice, housekeeper extraordinaire.

Today the sugar coating is off, and those involved in the blended families of 2011 have thrown away television’s rose-coloured glasses. Blended families are hard work! As well, they are far more common than ever before.

The fastest growing family type

Step-families and blended families are the fastest growing family types in Australia, increasing by 50 per cent over the past decade. One in five families is a step-family or blended family, with experts predicting that this proportion will rise as divorce rates increase and people re-partner later in life. Australian Bureau of Statistics figures show there are about 175,000 blended or step-families with children aged 0-17.

Blending is a term that covers a wide variety of family structures. While technically it means the bringing together of two already established sets of parents and children, today it is most often used to include step-parenting, even though only one parent may be bringing children into the situation.

Psychologist John Hunt points out that the title ‘blended family’ is itself a problem. Its image of untroubled unity holds an illusory promise, and when this is not achieved, people can feel a sense of guilt and failure.

The factors behind today’s blended families are as diverse as their types. Where once death of a marriage partner was the key cause, increasingly it will now be marriage breakdown. There will be great differences in experiences of blended families, depending on whether separated parents’ relationships are friendly and reasonable, or acrimonious and bitter. There’s no single-size-fits-all in a blended family.

Ages of the children concerned will also have a deep impact. Bringing a new parent into the life of an infant or a very young child is very different from merging primary-school children or teenagers in a family — or even (an often overlooked group) the adult offspring of mature-age couples who re-partner.

‘I was lucky’, says Elspeth. ‘My two were toddlers when I married Steve, and his little boy was only three. They didn’t have a lot of baggage with missing previous parents. Steve and I did; his wife had died and I was divorced with bad memories of an abusive relationship. But we could work around these as adults, and keep the children out of our problem areas.’

When older children are involved, the story is different again. Steve Martin of the Stepfamily Association of Victoria points out, ‘Step-families arise as a result of loss of the previous family, whether that’s due to bereavement or separation and divorce. There’s always a history of loss and grief. Children may not have been consulted. They may not be ready for a step-parent, they may still be hoping their parents get back together.’

Adolescents pose very special problems. At this stage of life previous family structures are set firmly in place. The typical teenager is looking to establish a personal identity and autonomy, not deal with the issues of fitting into a new family set-up. All the standard problems of adolescents are exacerbated.

Even adult offspring are not immune from similar feelings. Suddenly stereotypes are shattered, and the established picture of Mum and Grandma has to be readjusted when she re-partners. Or, said Diane, ‘the father we’ve depended on for babysitting is now more concerned with his new partner than with us and his grandchildren. And we’re expected to relate to her family as well as to our own.’

The myths of blending families

Blending families takes time, courage, perseverance — and lots of love. And prayer, as many of those interviewed pointed out. There are too many illusions perpetuated by the Brady Bunch image. Among the key ten myths listed in Making Stepfamilies Work are these three:

• A blended family can be created instantly.
• Blended families can function like biological families.
• Blended family members will, given time, love one another.

The remaining seven myths are equally idealistic. Far more often it is the realities of living in a stepfamily that Sue remembers: ‘Our stepfather is a terrible parent. He has never set any boundaries for his own children. He expects his children to be treated like gold but has double standards for me and my siblings. He punishes my mother if she dares to criticise one of his children. He has purposely isolated me and my siblings from our mother.’

Perspectives of others in a blended family are often equally bleak. Janice was faced with a hostile and difficult stepson who created a them-and-us mentality within the larger family.

‘The older stepson’s attitude to me (and his at times verbally abusive behaviour) has resulted in my children feeling defensive about me and hostile towards him.’

What then are the core problems that children face that lead to breakdowns in blended families? Psychologists have listed several areas of concern. Children may still be grieving over the loss of their original family and hoping that their parents will come together again. The creation of a new partnership sounds the death knell for these hopes. There may also be feelings of loyalty to the absent parent (especially if death ended the original partnership), so that any affection shown towards the new parent feels like a betrayal, an act of disloyalty.

Where the children divide their time between two households, the problems become more acute. The stresses of moving from parent to parent, especially if the relationship between them is not good, place enormous pressure on children, and coping with different expectations from home to home is very hard. John Hunt points out that tensions between the biological parents are often exacerbated by an adversarial legal system. Then the child can be caught in a vortex of emotions, trying to keep the peace, avoiding being caught in commenting on either household and feeling a weight of responsibility that is hard to bear.

Access visits and shared custody can lead to emotional and behavioural trauma for children. This can be difficult also for parents, especially in cases where there has been domestic violence and abuse, leaving a legacy of trauma. The biggest source of stress for all seems to be conflict between the two sets of parents and the pressures that places on children trapped in the middle.

Location, location, location

Where to locate the blended family is another issue that creates problems. ‘It would have been better’, said Simon, whose new wife and children moved in with him, ‘if we had all made a fresh start together in a “new” house, due to territorial/ownership problems that soon emerged among the children.’

Betty felt the same: ‘My husband and his two boys moved into my house when we were married. In hindsight, I think this might have fed some of the us-versus-them mentality that has developed over the years.’

But moving in together can be a positive experience, too, as Davina discovered: ‘We have been renovating the house together, which has been a good strategy to make everyone feel it is their home.’

Another related factor is differences in parenting styles within the new partnership. ‘While we tended to agree on behaviours and characteristics we wanted to foster or discourage in our children’, said Simon, ‘we had very different ideas as to the best way to arrive at our goal. And children’s ability to divide and conquer, and their adeptness in the use of emotional levers can be crippling.’

Few couples embarked on the blended-family experience confidently. Most, like Jean, were wary: ‘Our fears were realised, and it has been a harrowing adventure. Thankfully, we have all survived (until now) to tell the tale.’

For Jean and her husband, able to list their blessings, the experience has ultimately been rewarding. They talk of the joys in their new relationship and the pleasures of seeing a growing closeness and trust with their partner’s offspring. Their children also are positive: ‘The best part is having another parent to talk to and another means of support.’

But for many the outlook was less positive: ‘It has been a much more difficult process than I ever imagined! I was naïve enough to think that “love conquers all” and once we were a family unit it would all be smooth sailing. It wasn’t, and it isn’t.’

What can be done to help?

Indicative also was the reaction of some to the question, ‘What advice would you give to those contemplating creating a blended family?’ A frequent response: ‘Don’t!’

So what can be done to help? Jessica’s advice was clear: ‘Don’t even contemplate it unless you are 100 per cent sure you can accept and love the other person’s children like they are your own — and that you can also be careful not to try to take the place of their absent parent.’

Wise advice, and there are many tips. Take the time to cherish and maintain your relationship with your partner, all were quick to urge. But consult the children, too; involve them in decision-making. Give them time and individual attention, with both their biological parent and their new parent.

Know where support is to be found. Utilise the many excellent books and counselling courses that are available. The internet provides a huge range of potential resources, especially from organisations such as Stepfamily Australia, whose website www.stepfamily.org.au gives a most useful reading list. Publications like the excellent material from Stepfamilies of Victoria, courses such as those run by Relationships Australia, with its offices in each state, or those organised by Lutheran Community Care can be an invaluable help. Private professional counselling will provide the reassurance that somebody understands and can help with the problems you are facing.

There really is light at the end of the tunnel, but the crucial factors are cooperation between all parents concerned, a refusal to let the children become pawns in a battle between warring parents, great goodwill, much prayer and patience, and reliance on the grace of God.

And sometime, who knows, you may hear an old familiar tune and see a TV re-run of that fairy-floss world of The Brady Bunch. You’ll smile a little cynically but then rejoice, because you’ll know that the reality, with all its ups and downs, its trials and joys, is much better than the Bradys ever knew.

Valerie Volk, a former teacher and lecturer, is now a full-time writer. She is a member of Immanuel Lutheran Church, Novar Gardens, Adelaide. Valerie is deeply grateful to the members of blended families who spoke so fully and candidly about their experiences. In this story their names have been changed for reasons of privacy.